Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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