I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
