best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
