You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize