I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
