dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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