well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Randomize
