I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
