All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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