I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
