is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
