and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
