youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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