i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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