What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize