i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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