Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize