We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
