You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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