My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
