im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
