just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
