I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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