I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
