YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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