the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
