Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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