Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
the liver wants what the liver wants
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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