Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
This baby is an asshole
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
