a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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