how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Come share oat with me in your robe
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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