yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize