Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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