I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
