i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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