how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
