She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
