He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
