....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
