i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
