to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
