I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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