i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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