I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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