you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize