Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
