Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
