thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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