Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
