you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize