Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
