come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
