Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
