im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robitsâ€
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