I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
