a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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