ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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