Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
