You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Randomize
