after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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