Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize